So our school decided to have an athletic intermural in the form of giant soccer the other day. Now normally I like soccer, but This was just crazy. First of all I was one of three girls who played, secondly my team was the smallest, and sixth and lastly I think I may have made us loose. But it was just a game, who cares right? Well I do, kus it seems that every time I play a team sport I end up doing something stupid that makes us loose. And I absolutely hate it!!! That's why I don't play team sports, kus I feel like I always let my team down. But hey that's life, I could always do tennis or polo.
I was also painfully reminded of how schizoid and schizotypal I am. My two best friends from church, Joli* and Ace*, and I were out walk'in around town when we came to this grave yard. Now being a freak-a-zoid I was inclined to walk through the graveyard, but the two of them would have none of it. So I split from them, and instead of taking the long way around, I went through the graveyard. Once I began to take my first steps down the path something clicked in me. All day I had been acting normally, or as normally as I possibly could, trying to fit in and what not, but as I walked down that path the real me came to light. Thoughts that only I would think flooded my head filling it with tales about ghosts, questions about the deceased people below me, and possible names to use in future stories. But soon I came to the end of the graveyard, and back to reality as I met up with Joli and Ace again. Fear filled me, or at least I think it was fear, I wanted to run home, get away from everyone, be alone and indifferent. But I couldn't, I had to put on a happy face and continue on. Emotions swirled about in my chest, till I couldn't tell if I was indifferent or angry or sad. So like the coward I am I made up some excuse and ran home.
I really don't know why I reacted the way I did, but I think it may have something to do with my childhood. As a kid I had a hard time keeping friends. It wasn't like I was a weird-o or jerk or something(I hope), I just got moved around alot. In forth grade I switched schools, in fifth grade I switched campuses, in sixth grade my best friends left, in seventh grade my new best friend left, in tenth grade another friend left, and next year my good friend who has been with me since fifth grade is leaving. So I'm all alone once again. But because of this I am hesitant to make new friends, I mean why make friends in high school? You'll only be with them a year or two. After that they just float away and you never see them. So why make friends, just to end up dealing with the hurt of them leaving.
Well I would love to stay and chat, but since there is no one here, and I have homework.
See ya later Alligator,
Jonesy
*these names have been changed because I don't think my friends would appreciated me use'in there real names on the internet.
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